3 Things No One Told You About Sex

Heidi Charalambous

Most of us learned everything we know about sex from movies and TV. Guy looks at girl. Girl looks at guy. There’s a spark of passionate and romance ensues. Make-up never smudges. Kids never knock on the door. And practical considerations, like the pot boiling on the stove or the work function that starts in 5 minutes, never phase either party involved.

Hollywood is good at entertaining us. Hollywood is not good at telling the truth. Whether your parents were brave enough to have the sex talk or you learned about sex from soaps and romantic comedies, there are three things no one tells you about sex.

3 Things No One Told You About Sex

1. The baggage you had before you got married comes with you into marriage.

Maybe your parents taught you that sex is dirty and wrong. You waited for marriage and now you’re struggling to enjoy sex without feeling guilty. Maybe you believed the lie that sex isn’t a big deal. You had several partners before your spouse and still struggle with the idea that he or she won’t cheat or leave.

Getting married doesn’t erase your memory. Many a married person wishes it did! The only way to overcome the shame we feel is by replacing lies with the truth in the Bible (Romans 1:22). The Bible calls this process “renewing your mind.” The more we learn about God’s plan for our lives and submit to it, the easier it gets to identify lies when they creep into our thinking.

2. You don’t have to be in the mood to get in the mood.

Song of Solomon is a steamy love letter between a husband and a wife. The freedom and desire between Solomon and his wife are the standard for romance and sex in a marriage. But even Solomon’s wife didn’t feel pretty all the time. In Song of Solomon 1:6, she laments her appearance saying:

“Do not gaze at me because I am dark, because the sun has looked upon me. My mother's sons were angry with me; they made me keeper of the vineyards, but my own vineyard I have not kept!”

That could have been the end of the book, but Solomon’s wife didn’t allow her feelings to shut down her husband’s pursuit. Solomon spends the next several chapters telling his wife how beautiful she is and how much his heart yearns for her. And in Song of Solomon 4:16, she says, “Let my beloved come to his garden, and eat its choicest fruits.”

Maybe your husband had a rough week at work and lacks the confidence to make a move. Maybe your wife chased kids and cleaned house all day and just wants a shower. Most days, at least one spouse isn’t going to feel sexy. If we’re waiting for the perfect made-for-TV moment to have sex, we’re going to wait a long time. What if the only thing standing between you and the perfect moment is your willingness to lovingly pursue your spouse?

Sex is essential to a healthy marriage.

3. Depriving your spouse of sex is like inviting Satan into your bedroom.

Sex isn’t an added bonus to being married. Sex is essential to a healthy marriage. The apostle Paul warned Christian couples in Corinth about withholding sex saying, “Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control” (1 Corinthians 7:5).

Sex was designed by God for our pleasure, but also to build intimacy between a husband and a wife. Jesus described this bond saying, “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh” (Matthew 19:5).

When we downplay the oneness that comes from sex, we stop seeing it as essential. Withholding sex becomes leverage to win an argument, a matter of convenience or an excuse. Whatever the reason, Satan will never pass up an opportunity to create division and disunity between a husband and a wife committed to following Christ.

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