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All The Wrong Questions: What You Ask Can Change How You Date

By: kate mardis

My roommate and I have a rule. If either of us go on a date and it isn’t going well, we’ll text the other one a code word that means we need out. Do you know why? Because dating is hard.

I don’t know many people who, if they were honest, would disagree with that statement. There are times, though, where we can make it harder than it has to be.

There are lots of ways we do that, but one of the big ways is by asking the wrong questions. For example, we ask, “What do you do for a living?” when what we mean is, “Are you in a place that is stable enough financially to help contribute to a relationship?”

As Christians, this can be even harder because the Bible tells us that God requires higher standards from our relationships. That means that instead of asking, “Do you go to church?” it’s better to ask, “what does your relationship with Jesus look like right now?”

In order to figure out the right questions, though, we have to understand why the ones we are currently asking are not the best.

3 Reasons “Do You Go to Church?” Doesn’t Get to the Heart of Someone’s Faith

1. Attendance is not the same as attention.

Think about how many times you’ve sat in a classroom and tuned out from what the teacher was saying. Have you ever watched a movie or TV show and not been able to recall the plot the next day? We attend events and take part in activities all the time that have little to no effect on how we live our lives.

A better question would be, “What is something you’ve learned from church recently?”

2. The church is not a building or event.

The church is a movement (2 Corinthians 4:15). Church is something we do, not somewhere we go (Acts 2:42-47). We are a part of it. It is a team sport. If someone’s only involvement in church every week is to walk in, listen to a sermon, and leave, they are not doing church; they are simply watching as a spectator.

Instead of simply asking about their attendance, find out if the person you’re dating is contributing and ask where they are serving. You’ll probably find out a lot more about what they are good at, passionate about, and how they care for others, too (Galatians 6:2,10).

3. Our relationships with Jesus save us, not our church attendance.

In the same way that, for a certain price, somebody can pay for a ticket to a ballgame, wear the team colors, and not really be sold out to that team, a person can spend his or her entire life attending church without ever fully surrendering their life to Christ. Instead, ask him or her to tell you the story of how they met Jesus.

Asking better questions can lead to better relationships.

There are no perfect relationships, but asking better questions can lead to better relationships. This is because the questions we ask lead to the conversations we have and the conversations have lead to the foundations we build. By asking stronger, healthier questions, we’re preparing to have stronger, healthier relationships.

The great news is that no matter what your relationship status is, you don’t have to learn how to navigate relationships on your own (Ecclesiastes 4:9-12). God is with us as we learn to figure out all kinds of relationships, and we have a chance to build something healthy with the people around us.

One way He helps us grow for future relationships is through relationships we currently have. If you’re struggling to build godly relationships, a great next step for you might be to sign up for a group where you can all learn to ask better questions together (Proverbs 15:22).


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