Please stop acting like my roommate and start acting like my spouse

You started off young and in love. The carefree days of newlyweds merged into work routines and obligations. Children entered the picture and your schedules got busier. You both got worn out. Dishes stayed piled in the sink and bills remained unpaid. Silent resentment developed you each saw problems but didn’t have the time or energy to bring them up.

Without intending to, many spouses wake up one day and no longer feel married. Instead of experiencing the “one flesh” union God designed, husband and wives live as angry roommates.

Living in the same house with separate lives doesn’t make a marriage. Roommates live parallel lives, but marriage is more than romance and more than friendship. It takes multiple types of love.

Four Ways to Act Less Like Roommates and More Like Spouses

1. Confide in each other.

The purpose of marriage is oneness between a husband and wife (Genesis 2:24). Intimacy is found when a spouse says to the other, “This is something I’ve told you and no one else.” If one or both spouses are confiding the most personal aspects of their lives with people outside the marriage, they are not upholding the intimacy their relationship needs and deserves.

2. Have sex.

If you’re married, sex is not optional. God designed sex for marriage, and He wants spouses to appreciate and frequently enjoy sex with each other (1 Corinthians 7:2-5)! If your marriage doesn’t include physical intimacy on a regular basis, one or both spouses need to demonstrate the love you committed to on your wedding day. Yes, there are times and reasons when one—or both—of you aren't up for it, so communicate and operate with care for each other.

Emotions come and go, but love is a choice.

3. Form a friendship.

If a marriage is built on romantic passion alone, it won’t last very long. Emotions come and go, but love is a choice. You’re going to spend a lot of life with your spouse over the years, so you should practice being a good friend. Look out for the interests of your spouse. Encourage, support and have fun with one another (Philippians 2:1-4). Marriage is a covenant, not a contract. It’s a promise to remain faithful no matter the circumstances.

4. Serve each other.

Marriage is not just about love, or sex, or one person controlling the other. It is about both spouses submitting to each other and loving each other. It is a model of Jesus’s love for the Church, and both husband and wife are to practice loving and serving like Jesus (Ephesians 5:21-30).

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