How my struggle to be a mom changed everything
UPDATE: Charity went home to be with Jesus on Nov. 11, 2018 after a sudden illness. At her family's request, we'll continue to display Charity's story as a testimony to her faith, hope, and love of God, who swallows death in victory (1 Corinthians 15:54). Join us in praying for Charity's family and for everyone who will draw closer to Jesus because of her story.
I was going to be a mom, and then I wasn't.
After being married for two years, my husband and I had decided it was time to have a baby. I actually got pregnant right away, the first month we were off birth control! We were ecstatic. Hearing the baby's heartbeat for the first time was the best sound in the world.
Then at eight weeks along, I miscarried. My heart felt like it was being ripped from my chest, and depression swept over me.
Me and my husband, Matt, with our children, Maverick and Kinsey
I would sit down and just cry, asking God to please bless me with a child.
For a year, we struggled to get pregnant again. I desperately prayed for God to answer my prayers. It was all I thought about. It was all I prayed about. Again, I got pregnant, this time with the help of fertility medication, and once more I miscarried at six weeks.
To this day, we celebrate the January “birthdays” of the two children we lost, Grace and Elias, with white roses displayed in our home.
I felt like a failure. After all, I was woman, and we were meant to have babies, right? On some days, I was OK, or would tell myself that I was OK, only to have feelings rush back that I may not be good enough; that God did not think I was worthy to carry a child.
Someone once told me we should pray expectantly of God because we trust that He loves us and cares for us and has our best interest at heart. So I would pray boldly. I would sit down and just cry, asking Him to please bless me with a child.
My husband and I would pray together. We would have other people pray with us. We just didn't know what else we could do.
My prayers changed from ‘Lord, bless me with a child’ to ‘Lord, I'm tired, I can't do it myself.’
A Divine Appointment
When we started attending NewSpring in 2013, I was just going through the motions. I had mastered the fake smile, but my brokenness was weighing heavy on the inside.
In December, a year and a half after starting fertility treatments, my husband and I decided to take a month off and not do anything to start a family.
One Sunday in December, during a message, out of nowhere, the speaker said, "I just feel like there is a couple here that has been dealing with infertility, and you need to get prayed for right now …”
For some reason, I felt in my heart that those words were meant directly for me. It was so uncomfortable to get out of my seat, but my heart was pressed to go get prayer from the care team. So we did.
Me and Maverick enjoying a beautiful day
I knew God had already shown us a miracle once, and I was hoping it was in His plan to bless us one more time.
That total surrender that day at NewSpring, I believe, helped me realize that God is a big God, and he knows exactly why I needed to struggle with surrendering that control to Him.
We continued to pray, but my prayers changed from "Lord, bless me with a child" to "Lord, I'm tired, I can't do it myself. I'm okay with whatever decision you make. If we are not to have children, then give me peace and understanding.”
I had said those words before, but I didn't mean them until that moment of brokenness. That total release to God was so hard for me to do.
Then in January, I had to retake a pregnancy test before making another appointment to see the doctor for potential IVF.
It was positive! No help from the doctors, no extra medicines, just a miracle from God! My son, Maverick, was born the next September, and he has been our miracle baby.
God is faithful. God listens, and God has the perfect plan for our lives.
Believing For More
I wish I could say that is where my pain ended and everything was dandy after that. But, we always wanted multiple children.
The long journey — another year and a half — started over like deja vu. This time we wanted to go straight for the IVF treatment. I was so angry at God for making me go through this fertility process again. Oh, what it would be like to just get pregnant without all the worry!
Every day I would read the Psalms, and some days it brought tears to my eyes, as if God was speaking directly to me. I, again, would pray boldly, and with certainty, that God was listening to every word I prayed.
During these times of such vulnerability and raw emotion before the Lord, I just laid it out there saying, "Here it is God! This is me, and I am weak without you."
All the discomfort of injections, all the lab work, all the ultrasounds and every-other-day appointments — and the IVF process of retrieving the eggs came down to only one good embryo.
But I knew God had already shown us a miracle once, and I was hoping it was in His plan to bless us one more time.
Our beautiful daughter, Kinsey.
I have learned that control is best left in the hands of the One who knows it all.
A New Blessing
When the nurse called and said I was pregnant, I burst into tears on the phone, and I could not stop crying. I immediately called my husband and told him the great news. I was in shock, and it really didn't sink in until my first ultrasound — until I could see that little baby.
I delivered our little girl, Kinsey Hope, in early February 2017. God is faithful. God listens, and God has the perfect plan for our lives.
I know the most difficult of circumstances renders us weak and out of control. I didn't like the process, and I did not like not knowing what would happen next. But the journey is so powerful in itself and beautiful looking back.
I am a more patient person because of this experience in general, and I have learned that control is best left in the hands of the One who knows it all.