Kait’s journey through doubting the reality of God

I had known Jesus for two years. I was majoring in theology, was a YoungLife leader, and attended NewSpring weekly. I loved Jesus and wanted to know Him more. During Christmas break of 2017, my YoungLife teammate tragically passed away. Sorrow became my closest friend. My grief turned into depression. I left NewSpring. I felt overlooked in my pain and questions of God’s goodness came up in every space I was in. At this point, God’s character was confusing and seemed unfriendly.

I transferred universities to be a part of a religious studies program and learned about Christianity. I read stories of abuse in the Old Testament. I had conversations about how the Bible was used against women, minorities, and my LGBTQ+ friends. I cried and I fought, but I still tried to commune with Jesus. I hoped deeply in a God I could know and love. I graduated with a longing for God but I just couldn’t believe He was real.

Sorrow became my closest friend.

“You can’t love Jesus and think God isn’t real.” I couldn’t disagree with this statement more. I tried my hardest and yet felt so weary in my attempts. I loved Jesus. My soul was just in darkness. I remember going on a drive weeping, and saying “I just miss Jesus.” The whole time that I was confused about God, I still felt a clear connection to Him—like a rope holding me tight.

However, in the months of my greatest doubt of God, I decided to do the NewSpring Rally internship.

That’s when something shifted for me - I met with Jesus. I had time alone with Him. I read the whole Bible in the first fifty days of 2021. I put myself in proximity to the Messiah. I positioned myself, because of the loving push from people in my community.

All of a sudden– Jesus in them became so clear. My spirit was well acquainted with my Heavenly Brother in my earthly siblings. I became friends with the friends of God and now I have friendship with Jesus. His presence is now so clear to me.