My marriage and kids stole my dreams

Roshanda Fuller thought she’d given up the chance to make something of her life. Then, she and her husband got a new start ...

I cannot pinpoint when things started to go wrong with my marriage, but they did, and it was fast and bad.

My husband and I had been together since we were teenagers. We had our first child when I was 17 and my husband was 18, and we married four years later. Our daughter followed three years after that.

Through the years, we had our ups and downs, but it wasn’t until 2012 that it became so bad that I was ready to leave everything behind.

I hated myself, and I hated my husband.

Focused on “Me”

Eight years into our marriage, I felt as if I didn’t know who I was. “What is my purpose in life?” I would ask myself. I go to work and come home — that’s it.

I felt like I had to grow up before my time, and I held that resentment toward my husband because I blamed him for jumping into marriage.

I hated myself, and I hated my husband. There was no communication in our marriage. I felt unloved, unwanted and like a failure.

Our fighting started to affect our children, and they were put in the middle. I went and applied for an apartment and was ready to move out.

As much as I love my children and would do anything for them, I couldn’t find any of that in my heart at that time.

I was looking to satisfy me, to find me, to find happiness for me. I only saw me. I didn’t care about their feelings at all. My husband fought to save our marriage, and I fought to end it.

I let anxiety take over my life because I felt I didn’t fulfill the plans I had.

Twice The Joy

Then at the end of 2013, my son invited me to NewSpring Church. He had been attending Fuse and had started serving.

I would let him go because I saw a change in him, but I had refused to go to “that megachurch” myself.

You can’t talk to the pastor, you don’t know anyone, and it’s too loud and overwhelming, I told myself. I decided to go once to check it out.

Then at Christmas, I went back because I still wanted to know what was so special about the church.

This time, my husband agreed to come along. It was during that Christmas service, after watching Jackie Jeter’s story, that Jesus pressed into me and told me it was time to surrender everything to Him. 

I realized that I knew of Jesus, but I didn’t know Jesus. I didn’t understand what it was to have a relationship with Him. I only knew the rules — what not to do so I wouldn’t go to hell. 

At the end of the service, we were invited to ask Jesus into our lives. I stood up, and I cried. I looked over, and my husband stood up, too. We both gave our lives to Jesus that day.

I found refuge in Jesus … even when I didn’t love myself.

Belonging to Jesus

Things didn’t change overnight, but they changed because the gospel was taught plain and clear. 

I knew it was OK to not be OK, and I found refuge in Jesus, knowing my heavenly father loved me unconditionally, even when I didn’t love myself.

I was able to follow Jesus step by step because the church gave me the tools to take those steps.

I joined a small group, started serving on the care team, and built community and a church family. I found my happiness, I found joy, I belonged.

I know that Jesus’ plans for me are better than my own.

Set Up For Success

I started putting Jesus first in everything in my life, and because of that my marriage was saved. I love my husband better, and in return he loves me better. 

My husband will give me time and space when I say I’m getting overwhelmed, and he understands when we need time together.

I’m able to accept that I can’t change my husband, but I can ask myself, “What can I do? How can I be a better mother to my children, and how can I be a better wife?”

I let anxiety take over my life because I felt I didn’t fulfill the plans I had.

Now two other ladies and I have started a Christian-based nonprofit mentoring organization for teen girls to help them make wiser choices. 

Through my life experience, Jesus set me up for the things I’m doing now, and I know that Jesus’ plans for me are better than my own.

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