The key to satisfying sex in marriage

Trevor Cox

I’ve always found it surprising that Song of Solomon’s fourth chapter is in the Bible. We’d have to admit that it would take divine intervention for a bunch of old, stodgy religious types to include erotic love poetry in the Bible.

God’s design for sex as a means of procreation, pleasure, and intimacy within marriage is often dismissed in a culture that has often reduced sex to a cold, mechanical, routine act engaged in by virtual strangers. The lure of the quick fix has replaced the deep satisfaction and true fulfillment between a man and a woman found within the context of marriage. Thousands of tabloid images daily declare the exaggerated importance of sex in our culture.

It is imperative that we understand sex as God designed it. The Bible speaks candidly about sex as something God created to be incredible. When we operate within His design, sex becomes all that it was intended to be.

3 Concepts to Remember About God’s Design for Sex

1. Sex is to be enjoyed in the context of marriage.

Hebrews 13:4 says, “Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.” The God-ordained institution of marriage, which joins a man and woman in covenant before God, is not always honored by our culture.

For the believer, sex inside the bounds of marriage means adventure, excitement, and freedom. Outside of that boundary lies pain, heartache, and devastation. If ever there was a time for believers to live out as an example what it means to honor marriage, it is now. The time is now for all of us to recommit to purity in our marriages—to refrain from sin that so easily entangles us in lust and pulls us away from intimacy in marriage.

2. Intimacy is the key to novelty.

The stereotypical Cosmo headline, “52 ways to please…” should be a clue that the world is grasping for straws when it comes to novelty. Next month, same basic headline.

When does sex get boring? Why do people go looking for a new thrill?

Let’s be honest: the act of sex is not complicated. The person disconnected relationally from his or her partner will seek ever-increasing levels of novelty in order to bring the same level of satisfaction. For example, if you’ve had any experience with pornography, you know it is a spiral toward new levels of darkness. Porn is the ultimate mechanical interaction devoid of true connection.

Within God’s design, it is intimacy that brings deeper sexual fulfillment.

Within God’s design, it is intimacy that brings deeper sexual fulfillment. Should a couple try new things? You are free to do so. Intimacy is what propels a couple to new heights relationally and sexually. Intimacy is communication over time leading to deep levels of knowledge and connection resulting in trust.

3. Intimacy with Christ must come first.

It is no accident that Solomon also calls his spouse, “sister” (Song of Solomon 4:9-10, 12). No one thinks Solomon was sleeping with his biological sister. Rather, “sister” is a term of affection.

First, it implies there is no impurity in his behavior toward his spouse. Secondly, his affection toward her is not merely sexual. There is a basis for their relationship that is deeper than the mere act of sex. Thirdly, it implies their spiritual relationship comes first.

For husbands, our first responsibility is the spiritual health of our bride. That is why Paul challenges us with these words: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless” (Ephesians 5:25-26).

When both partners individually view intimacy with Christ as the priority, they will be drawn close to Christ in a way that draws them increasing closer to each other.

Could it be that we are not experiencing the deeper levels of satisfaction because we haven’t fully committed to doing things God’s way? When we surrender to His way, we open the door to new levels of freedom and richness only available within the context of His design.